Table of Contents
Introduction
Imagine this: You’ve just received a text from the hottest girl you’ve met in a long time, inviting you to a party next weekend. Her intense blue eyes and the scent of her perfume still linger in your mind from the other night, when you approached her as she was leaving the bar.
Everything had gone perfectly. Within minutes, you’d made a real connection. You got her number, met a few of her friends, and left on a high note just as the night pulled her away.
But now, as she describes the party, you realize this isn’t just any gathering. It’s a private mansion party up in the hills, with a famous DJ and the coolest crowd in town. The girls are going to be stunning, and the competition will be fierce.
And then, she texts you: “Bring a friend.”
You pause, thinking carefully about who to invite. For a night like this, you’ll need more than just a buddy… you need a true professional. Someone who understands the mission and enjoys every second of it. He’s a gentleman who can keep conversations flowing effortlessly, creating lasting memories while working seamlessly with you to make sure the girl you’re after sees you as the man.
He’ll make sure you get more time with her, subtly creating opportunities for you to shine. And when you need a boost, he’ll be there, always a step ahead. He thrives on the experience, not focused on himself but confident enough to get what he’s after without breaking a sweat. With him at your side, the night is yours to win.
In this article, we’re going to talk not only about how to be a good wingman but also about how to be a good friend, the guy everyone wants by their side, and it’s not just because you can help them get laid.
When you have developed yourself to such personal abundance that you can genuinely enjoy putting the best interests of others above your own, you’re able to provide a social experience that most people can’t match. We’re going to cover specific tactics and mentalities, but the most important takeaway is to trust that when you help others win, you win too.
The True Purpose of a Wingman
What is the actual purpose of having a wingman? Why would you want to go out with another man for the purpose of meeting women? Maybe it’s self evident to some but you’ll find that a bad wing can make it so much harder, even impossible to find success than if you were just on your own. Most conflicts or issues that arise when going out with wings is a lack of coordination and understanding of their role in respect to your goals and your role in respect to theirs.
There are three reasons for having a wingman.
- Logistics
- Synergy
- Emotional Support
Logistics
The primary purpose of a wingman is to improve logistics.
How do we define logistics in terms of dating?
Logistics noun
The coordination and management of social dynamics, environments, and timing to facilitate smooth, successful interactions between individuals, ensuring opportunities for connection and minimizing distractions.
The origin of the word is Greek where it means to be skilled in calculating. With our usage here we are using it in very much the same spirit.A wingman’s purpose is to facilitate a social experience in which the social goal is accomplished, i.e. making it easier for your buddy to connect with a girl of his choice.
This means giving him more time to run his game on her and setting up the situation so there’s a path forward. It’s also about being a second source of information so that as a group you are working with maximum efficiency. If you aren’t improving the situation you are an obstacle to the goal and might as well not be there.
This is done in six ways which we’ll be covering in more detail.
- Initiating conversations or identifying opportunities for your friend
- Signaling his social value to her and her group
- Engaging and occupying the attention of her group
- Distracting and occupying other men from approaching his girl
- Screening and handling objections and obstacles
- Supporting and facilitating the pull
Synergy
Synergy is the second purpose of a wingman. The idea is that two men working together is greater than the sum of their parts. With this alignment comes increased social power in a few different ways you can exploit:
1. The strength of your relationship with a wing directly increases your perceived social value.
From personal experience, the sub communication you will have with a wing who is a true and trusted friend speaks volumes for both of you in set. The comfort you have just having a fun conversation with your buddy shows a deeply developed trust that the girls will pick up on.
It signals that you value each other over strangers, it conveys a lack of need and a sense of ease which is very attractive. Your best self will be on display which shows that you are someone capable of having relationships beyond the surface of utility. The best wings are good friends first who also have an understanding of the social goals.
2. Synergistic alignment between wingmen creates a powerful social frame that others step into.
When the two men are aligned, they set the unspoken rules of the interaction. This frame defines the atmosphere, whether it’s a fun party vibe, intellectual conversation, or playful banter.
It’s less about enforcing rules and more about establishing social permissions, allowing the group to follow the energy you’ve created. Together, you and your wingman can subtly shape the entire dynamic of a party, crafting an environment that enhances both your chances of success and the experience for everyone around you.
3. Dominating conversations and maintaining attention is easier with alignment.
You reinforce each other’s jokes, validate stories, and seamlessly transition between topics. When one of you speaks, the other supports, creating a natural flow that keeps the group engaged.
This unity not only amplifies your social presence but also makes interactions feel effortless. Together, you project confidence and control, ensuring that the attention stays focused on your shared narrative. In this way, your combined energy becomes magnetic, drawing others into your orbit and solidifying your influence within the group.
Emotional Support
Emotional Support is the third purpose of a wingman because this game can be an emotional rollercoaster. When you’re stuck in your head, hesitating to make a move, a good wingman gives you that necessary push.
You won’t always be side by side either; sometimes you’ll be working independently, navigating the room. In these moments, a wingman serves as your “home base” in a foreign social environment. You reconnect, share stories, pump each other up, and take a breather from the chaos before diving back in.
A great wingman knows how to pull you out of a slump and reignite your energy when you need it most. At the end of the night, you debrief together, offering valuable feedback to help each other improve for the next round.
Understand the rules: Bro Code
All of the ancient wisdom applies.
If you’re following bro code you’re likely a good wingman. Inversely, a bad wingman ignores the rules and gains the resentment of his buddy, gets invited out less often.
The rules between you and your wing can be whatever you want them to be but they should be discussed clearly and followed at all times so here are mine:
- Whoever opens the set gets to choose the girl: You should set up a key phrase or signal to your buddy which girl it is.
- If your buddy claims an interest in a girl and she is giving you more attention you should disqualify yourself completely or leave the set: You have to do this in an obvious manner or the girl may become even more attracted, seeing you as a challenge. It should be something concrete like mentioning you have a girlfriend or wife and kids. Shift her focus back to your buddy.
- Never put your wingman down, never tell a joke at his expense.
- Don’t tolerate others disrespecting your wing, defend him.
- Give honest feedback but after the night is over: In the moment you should be hyping each other up and keeping it light. Any advice while out should be nudges and positive reinforcement, reminders of opportunity.
- If your wing approaches a group without you, wait until the set is hooked before coming in or if he brings you in: Watch the interaction play out, notice when the girls are fully engaging with him and he’s had time to establish himself, then join the conversation.
- Let your wing know if the girl he’s after is in a relationship or if logistics are not ideal
- Check in with your wing if a venue change is happening or if you’re able to pull: Don’t leave each other without communicating.
- If your buddy is attracted to a girl, never criticize his preferences unless he says that he wants to be pushed to a higher standard.
- You are a direct reflection of your wing, when you look good, he looks good. Bring your best game.
- Your friend’s girls and exes are forever in the friendzone, don’t flirt with them.
The Ideal Wingman Arrangement
Anyone can become a wingman, it could be a stranger, it could even be a woman. There are a few characteristics however that are ideal you should look for.
- It’s best if you and your wing have different preferences in types. For example I used to daygame with a buddy. He likes more alternative type girls with colored hair, a more punk rock type and I liked more traditional city style, college educated girls. The situation was perfect because we rarely competed for the same girl.
- Your wing should be able to approach consistently and hold his own in conversations. This means he’s at a certain level of competence that he can make things happen but that’s about it. You mainly want to avoid a situation where you’re acting primarily as his cheerleader but that you can actually jump into interactions together and relate to each other when debriefing. If your wing is way better than you it might be hard to keep up, you’ll find yourself in your head and unable to relate to his experience. So there’s a window of experiences where the relationship is beneficial. However if both of you are brand new and very nervous that’s good too you can level up together.
- Your wing’s affect on social interactions should be neutral at worst. If they aren’t bringing a net benefit to your interactions it’s better not to go out with them. You shouldn’t have to explain the dynamics to them more than once. If your wing is tanking your sets or piggy backing off your approaches and then talking to your girl you should cut them loose.
- It’s ideal when you and your wing have complimentary styles of game. I remember I had a wing I went out with. He was very reserved, very cool, almost too cool and I was more energetic. I would initiate a lot of interactions. He was very good though at facilitating group dynamics, after parties and that was something I was less skilled at. So we were able to mutually benefit. There are guys I know that cold approach is just not something they’re able to do but if you get them in a conversation they’re golden.
- You and your wing should enjoy and expect to push each other to new heights. While a wing can be a sort of comfort zone, an excellent wing should always make you feel a little unsafe in the sense that they might push you to do something you’re not comfortable with. A little egging on to go approach that girl in a group with some guys in it. A challenge to see who can make out with a girl first. To use an opener that is stupid or risky.
Wingman Dynamics In Different Scenarios
One Girl
If your wing approaches one girl you should be doing approaches of your own that way when your wing wants to he can merge back into the group you’ve made. Also be on the lookout for who her friend group is and try and open them. Speak highly of him and find out about her and her group’s logistics.
Two Girls
With two girls you can approach together or your buddy goes first. If he goes first simply wait nearby and observe, waiting for him to “hook the set” which is just the girls showing interest in the conversation and he’s had time to introduce himself and gauge the conversation. He might find these girls are not very interesting, maybe they’re not really available or interested and so you’re giving him time to assess the situation initially.
Generally he’ll bring you in pretty quickly to introduce you. Go with the flow of the conversation and follow the lead of your friend. Focus on matching the energy of the conversation when you come in. Now your goal is to help your buddy screen for logistics, finding out how the girls know each other, where they are from, if they have other friends out with them. Often it’s much easier to find out if your buddy’s girl is single by asking her friend. Your other goal should be to split the conversation, start a line of dialogue with your girl relevant to only you and her and also position yourself in a way that turns her away from them and towards you. It can be subtle but you’re trying to turn one conversation into two.
If your girl isn’t into you, treat her like any other person that becomes an obstacle. Occupy her attention and try to at least have an engaging conversation. If she’s hostile towards you it might be better to leave the set but also your wing should see this as well and try to mediate, if it can’t be saved it might be better for you both to move on. Have each other’s backs and prioritize your enjoyment. A considerate wing won’t tolerate hostility towards his partner and it goes both ways.
Pro tip: You should be gaming your girl with as much conviction as if she was a girl you really wanted. If she’s single she should feel that you want her for her, not that you’re just distracting her so she ignores her friend. The best wing will take his best “swing”. If she isn’t single but her friend is, you should be focused on her all the same but tone down the flirting if she isn’t receptive. Focus on having an engaging and fun conversation but continue to isolate.
Once you and your wing are locked in with the girls try to escalate together, ideally at the same time. One way you can assist your wing is by physically escalating with your girl which raises the bar of comfort for everyone and gives your wing and his girl social permission to follow suit. Also jointly lead them whether that’s to the bar to get some drinks or to the dance floor. If your wing is in the lead, support and hype up his decisions.
Continue to communicate with your wing, checking in from time to time how it’s going for him, sharing information and what you’ve learned. In reality you’re not going to permanently isolate the friend but you’re continually trying to build a connection with your girl and also promoting a group “we” dynamic between the four of you to create the best experience possible.
When it comes time to pull you should already have a rough plan with your wing as to where you’ll take the girls. If you’re both fully in with each girl you could split ways but if the girls want to stay together you’ll want to pull back for an after party, a place where either of you can achieve isolation at a later point. What can help for splitting the pull from the initial venue is establishing time apart right as you meet for example taking one girl off to the bar or dance floor leaving your buddy time to work. With your girl establish an overt narrative of the possible night you two could have together and figuring out if she’s open to that. So it’s possible the girls will want to remain inseparable and you have to adapt to that.
Mixed Groups - Girls and Guys
Very similar to two girls but more people. Go in together or one first. Look for your wing to signal which girl he’s after. Both of you will likely be addressing the group initially and the goal is the same to figure out the reality of the situation, how everyone knows each other, which girls are single, who came with who, if the guys came with them or they just met. Help gather this information for your wing and set up the conversation so he has more opportunities with the girl he’s after.
You’re both should be addressing the group and usually conversations split into smaller groups of 3 people. So you should be looking to occupy the social leader of that group. Be friendly and focus on taking a genuine interest in them. Once you’ve established some rapport with the group and the leader you can also potentially conspire with them to get you and their friend together if you’ve won them over.
If your wing starts flirting with a girl you’ll find out pretty quickly which guys will try to get in the way. If you encounter any males trying to cockblock or compete with your friend you should occupy their attention. “Kill them with kindness.” Maintain a positive frame, be non-reactive, and de-escalate any confrontation or tension, use the group dynamic to establish allies if you can. Your wing might go direct and you’ll adapt to that but for these situations generally you’re both going indirect and feeling out the vibe of the group, then signaling to your wing if there’s an opportunity. Continue to find ways to lead the group in conversation and build a shared experience.
Secret Communication Plan
As I’ve mentioned you should have some key phrases or signals established with your wing so you’re prepared for a few different situations. These can be bodily gestures or phrases. Here are some examples:
Signal: “Let’s grab a shot of tequila”
Meaning: “This set isn’t great let’s bounce”
Signal: “Let’s grab a shot of vodka”
Meaning: “Your girl has a boyfriend let’s bounce”
Signal: “Let’s grab a shot of whiskey”
Meaning: “My girl has a boyfriend let’s bounce””
Signal: After introducing your wingman to the group, turn to address the girl you are into, let’s say her name is Sarah. “Sarah, you seem familiar to me, is it possible we’ve met before?” loud enough for your wing to hear.
Meaning: Sarah is the girl I’m after
Signal: “Hey (wing’s name), do you think (venue name) is open?
Meaning: Let’s try and pull to (venue name) together
Signal: “Hey (wing’s name), I just remembered, think (venue name) is closed today
Meaning: Let’s try and pull separately
Growing with Your Wingman: Post-Night Debriefs
After a night out with your wing, try and debrief in a beneficial way. Discuss the different interactions and talk about how they played out, what you would do differently. Give feedback on what you think each did well, where you think they could improve. Spend time to recall the funny moments from the night and the highlights and identify one thing that next time you’d like to work on. Speak to the wingman dynamic and what you can do next time to maximize your advantages.
How To Find A Wingman
I found my first wings on the internet and I believe that is the same situation today. Search for wingman groups or forums online, try Facebook as well to find groups in your city of like minded guys.
You’re going to meet all kinds of guys this way with varying degrees of ability. If you want to start finding higher level wings you should focus on leveling up yourself. If you’re constantly going out and finding success other men will take notice. It’s like when a guy gets jacked in the gym or buys an expensive car for the female attention and in reality finds a bunch of dudes wanting to be his friend it’s very much the same thing. The ability to succeed socially in the nightclub or fearlessly make approaches in the street will gain you positive attention from other guys who do the same thing. Game recognizes game.
So focus on action and try meeting up with a few guys you meet online. Just be open to the experience and when you do meet up establish a few ground rules that we’ve discussed here so you both have a mutual understanding. Give everyone a chance but know that not everyone has the ability to be a team player. You’re not obligated to go out with anyone and as you get better you’ll find a random wingman who isn’t able to see the big picture is going to hold you back and you’re better off going out alone.
Most of my best friends started out as wings, guys I met while I was out taking action and they were doing the same thing. The same qualities that make you a good wing will make you a good friend. You want to have friends who take action and are willing to change and grow.
Conclusion
Take pride in your ability to facilitate the success of your friends because it’s an extension of your own growth. What it requires of you is a higher frame of view, a step outside of yourself and into the playing field to see the players on the field. Your logistic mentality will remain sharp and resourceful. Your nights out will be memorable and fun. You’ll win friends and influence that lasts a lifetime and all it takes is a little sacrifice and some planning. You’ll hold the key to what everyone values which means you’ll be top of mind for the best parties and I think you’ll find it’s worth it. Now go out and be the best wingman you can. Happy hunting.