Introduction
You know you will have to become someone different, the question is when you think about the ultimate version of yourself, the man with none of your current doubts, what is the difference between you and him?
Maybe you can imagine what it might feel like to be him, the way it would feel to see obstacles as opportunities, to be able to see social interactions as a form of play, and to be able to look at any woman and feel genuinely excited about the opportunity for you two to explore each other with no concern or doubt of the value you are able to offer.
If you believe he can exist, the difference comes down to the beliefs and values he’s adopted and the experiences behind him that solidified his self confidence. And imagine what he would have to believe given that he faced all the same fears, doubts, and challenges that lay before you right now.
In this article we are going to be talking about beliefs that can make you resilient on the path towards success with the women you really want so you can have the staying power that is required. We’re going to explore Zen and Stoicism and choosing a new set of beliefs based on their proven effectiveness towards your goals and we are going to examine the beliefs that no longer serve you.
The Role of Philosophy in Dating
This Is Just Who I Am.
A dangerous idea, obviously not true at face value right? If I asked you if you believe you have the ability to change you would probably say yes. Part of you knows this because you are not who you were before. But there is another part of you that holds onto an insidious doubt. The part of you that was always aware of the fatal flaws that have only continued to grow with you as you have tried to go after what you want in life. It’s not a single thing but a growing doubt that there is something permanent within you that has and always will restrict you to some sort of boundary, whether it’s a social hierarchy or a different outlook on life.
Let’s acknowledge the powerful control our environment has had on us. We had no choice to be born and for most of our unconscious youth we simply reacted to the world around us.
As a matter of pure luck some kids did something or said something one day and because of the particular environment, that belief or action was positively reinforced and remained beneficial to them as they got older, it happened to be one that society valued.
The same action for others was shut down and suppressed, that child never had the luxury of that action or belief and so as an adult, they simply don’t have the right beliefs or abilities, especially when it comes to playing the social game.
Focus On Deconstruction
The good news is that this journey is really a process of breaking down the counterproductive beliefs rather than building them up. You don’t believe your way to confidence, you experience evidence that reinforces the right behavior.
Think of philosophy as a tool to deconstruct these belief structures and examine new ones. The goal is to get down to the simplest truth of our beliefs without all the added bullshit.
Let’s take a limiting belief as an example. For most men it’s to do with looks, money, or status so let’s say the belief is “women don’t like short men”. Within this thought is your past experiences, but also your emotional bias and assumptions.
- Can you reasonably believe that it’s true that women prefer taller men? Yes, there is enough evidence and personal experience to believe that.
- Can you reasonably believe every time you were rejected that it was because you were short? If you’re honest, no, you can’t because you were forced to assume the reason but you never had confirmation.
- Is it possible that your insecurity about your height was the primary reason you haven’t tried with more women? Yes
- Can short men attract the women they want? Sure they can
- Can you think of any short men who had success with women who weren’t famous or rich?
The idea is to challenge yourself to ask productive questions to separate the truth from fiction.
It may be reasonable to believe short men will have less opportunities and will have to overcome more obstacles to achieve a similar level of success but when you achieve nuance in your thinking you can work to accept the conditions you can’t change and get to work. The key is rooting out the productive ideas that will serve you and keeping them in mind as the unknown reality you wish to explore.
Be the short man who understands that maybe he has to put in twice the work approaching and working on himself socially to get to the same place but then has the resolve to do it anyways.
Do you think that having to put in twice the effort is wasted time? Imagine the myriad of other benefits from those experiences… philosophy helps us extract the value from our challenges and the mentality to help us endure them.
Tabula Rasa & The Beginner’s Mind
At the foundation of our belief structure it’s essential that we hold perspectives that allow us to learn as efficiently as possible.
Today I will share with you my current worldview and you can pick and choose from the ideas that seem productive for your goals. I’m a syncretist, someone who combines beliefs from multiple sources of religion and philosophy.
Tabula Rasa, or blank slate, translated from Latin, is the theory that knowledge comes from experience or perception. Our mind assigns meaning to the world as opposed to discovering meaning.
More specifically it’s that all value judgements and morality are subjective. Events without interpretation just ARE, and it is we, humans, that collectively agree on things being good or bad because it is useful to us to assign such value.
Anyways… the blank slate concept can be used as a mental starting point for embracing new ideas and this concept is found in several philosophies across cultures.
For the Zen Buddhists they have a concept called “soshin” or “beginner’s mind”.
It’s an attitude of openness, eagerness, and most importantly, a lack of preconception. An approach to life and events as they happen and a conscious choice to “forget” what you already know so that you can observe reality as it happens without the immediate judgment and placement of life into the predefined boxes in which you see the world.
Practically speaking, you can see reality clearer and you can learn much faster because you are not applying false beliefs and bias to new situations.
Each moment now with a unique lesson and experience and a deeper appreciation of your experience.
My curiosity of Zen Buddhism, with a little Nihilism sprinkled in, led to exploring this mental space of “not knowing” as the core of my frankensteined belief system.
As someone who was raised religious I came to see that what the world fears most is the absence of meaning. We need to make our peace with life and we need a narrative to strive for beyond our biological needs. But as I do not want to let fear dictate my life or lead me into false confidence, my goal is to become comfortable with the void and still live a good life.
Zen Buddhism seeks to embrace the unknowable truth of the universe, leading you infinitely into the conclusion: We can’t know anything for sure. We can accept it or resist it.
Zen also taught me that my ego, my view of self and the stories I tell about myself, are not ME.
All I AM is awareness in a world in which change in the status quo.
There’s no description anyone can give about me, or that I can give myself that would ever truly be accurate. I have no definition and there is nothing permanent about who I am.
My own conclusion is that life can mean whatever you want. It won’t last forever, we’ll die and we won’t remember it. So why not give it the meaning we want?
Maybe you noticed that every self help guru and coach will encourage meditation.
Meditation is the practice that allows you to be present to the moment. When you’re in the present, you realize that you’ve always been a blank slate, you’re nothing more than the present, and importantly, nothing less.
Presence to any given moment and the beginner’s mind aren’t one and done learned lessons.
They’re a place of mind you come back to again and again when facing challenges and seeking to overcome the inner and outer resistances you’ll encounter when pushing through social barriers and trying new behaviors.
Becoming confident requires having a strong reality. When you control your awareness, you control your reality; however, it does seem counterintuitive that you can gain a sense of strength from an ever changing landscape of meaning.
On its own, the Zen philosophy doesn’t seem very helpful in the real world. If you’re perfectly one with the unknown and present to the moment I’ve found it doesn’t really lend to taking action. It does help you become a really chill person though.
I concluded it’s necessary to create a meaning for my life that allows me to move forward and find fulfillment in action.
I decided I wanted to live a life well-lived. I wanted to explore the full spectrum of experience this life could offer me while I’m still here to witness it. The highs and lows, all of it.
These amazing experiences are all on the other side of the courage to unlearn all the useless beliefs we’ve been unconsciously fed through family and society since we were born and by adopting these anti-beliefs we have a blank slate on which to build productive ideas and understand that fundamentally we can change because change is the nature of our reality.
So, how does Zen Buddhism make you better with girls?
Presence of mind is home base. No matter the outcome or situation it is always accessible to you. You’re going to find yourself out and feeling the pressure of approach anxiety, questioning if you’re good enough, wondering what to say next. All this pressure will put you in your head.
The blockage, the stifling, the lack of social performance all stems from the expectations you have. The way things are SUPPOSED to be.
Remember there is no one way it should be. Remember you can turn off the pressure at any time by choosing to adopt a beginner’s mind. What’s happening at this moment? You can immediately enter into a pure curiosity for exploring the situation you are in without the feeling that you need to achieve something. You can begin to search for the lessons and allow things to unfold as you observe. It’s a mechanism of release of control which is often needed.
To achieve this essentially you just meditate:
Focus on the breath, accept the moment as it is. Accept the tension in your body. Accept the worry you have about embarrassment or failure. Accept the possible outcomes without assumption. Through this awareness of yourself and your breath you can take in the whole situation while removing the assumptions you have.
If I’m challenged or teased I’m not taking anything personally. There’s nothing a girl can say to make me insecure because my own belief of myself isn’t defined by any one thing.
Remember that you are just this awareness right now in this moment. Your slate can be blank at any time. You are undefined but so is she. So all that you really can do is explore. You’ll notice yourself scrambling to try and assess the situation, where you stand with her, where she stands with you. Relax the mind and understand that these thoughts are not reality, this moment is.
So by practicing active meditation in your interactions you are quickly accepting the tensions and feelings that come up and instead of getting caught up in your head you can flow with the moment as it’s happening which just so happens to result in a much smoother experience for both you and her.
The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is.
Stoicism – Unstoppable Resilience
The Hellenistic wisdom of Stoicism is incredibly relevant to anyone on a journey of self-discovery. It serves as the foundation for right action and forward momentum, particularly in a world where meaning is essential to drive purpose.
Stoicism complements Zen beautifully: while Zen emphasizes observing the natural order through mindfulness and presence, Stoicism takes it further by offering a framework for living a virtuous and fulfilling life in harmony with that order.
At the heart of Stoicism is the unwavering commitment to virtue above all else.
Core virtues such as Courage, Justice, Temperance, and Wisdom provide a moral compass, guiding us to align our actions with reason and the natural flow of the universe.
For the same reason I’m not renouncing all my worldly possessions to become the perfect Buddhist, I don’t follow Stoic teachings to the letter either. Instead, I’ve found ways to integrate its principles into my life in a way that feels balanced and purposeful. And the truth is, you can do the same.
Let’s start with temperance. I’ll admit, I’m not particularly temperate, far from it. I’m often hedonistic, seeking out pleasure to the best of my abilities and indulging when I can. Maybe you do too, and that’s okay. But Stoicism has taught me to recognize when I’m being reckless in my pursuits and to pause and ask myself, “Why am I chasing this?” You might find that this simple reflection can shift your focus from seeking fleeting validation to pursuing something more meaningful
When you pause to reflect on your motives, you often find clarity and re-ground yourself in what truly matters.
But here’s the thing, it’s not a one-time realization.
Over time, and in new situations, that question will surface again: “Why am I pursuing this?” And each time you confront it, you’ll refine your purpose further. This cycle of questioning, reevaluating, and reconnecting with your “why” builds a deeply rooted sense of self.
It reinforces your actions with meaning and makes you a more grounded person, someone who doesn’t just act but acts with intention and conviction.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of validation-seeking, especially when things start going well. For me, as attracting women became easier, I had to become more mindful of why I was doing what I was doing. Are your actions really aligned with your higher purpose, or are you still chasing approval?
When you focus on exploring, expressing, and sharing experiences, you shift from taking value to creating it. That’s where fulfillment begins.
Stoicism teaches us not to be victims of life but to take responsibility for our reactions.
It’s self reliance 101.
Think about it: challenges are opportunities to practice courage, resilience, and self-reliance.
The next time you face an obstacle, consider how you can step up and see it as a chance to demonstrate your values. Instead of viewing failure as a dead end, treat it as part of the process. I’ve learned to persist not because I’m special but because I’m willing to show up, fail, and try again. You can do the same and it starts with embracing persistence as a way of life.
Failure won’t destroy you if you love the process more than the outcome.
If something doesn’t work, ask yourself, “How can I do this?” Lean on the wisdom of your past experiences—because chances are, you’ve overcome similar challenges before. Someone else has figured it out, and so can you. Trusting yourself grows naturally when you face resistance and find ways to push through. Every time you overcome something, you prove to yourself that you can handle what’s next.
For me, Stoicism has transformed even something like dating into an ongoing process of self-discovery. You might relate to this if you’ve ever struggled with rejection or let external validation shape your confidence.
Instead of letting rejection discourage me, I use it to ground myself, reminding me to reconnect with my inherent value regardless of others’ opinions.
When you tie your purpose to something greater than any single result, it becomes easier to keep moving forward.
Think about how resistance shows up in your life.
For me, it’s a signpost, guiding me to the edges of my comfort zone where real growth happens.
You might find that leaning into resistance helps you uncover parts of yourself you didn’t know existed. It’s where life feels the most alive. Every challenge becomes an opportunity to refine who you are and build a philosophy that works for you.
The best part is that all of this—the beliefs, the actions, the process—doesn’t just make you better at achieving your goals. It makes you more attractive to life itself. People want to live more fully but often wait for permission from others, from society, or from some set of rules.
Stoicism teaches you to give yourself permission. Look to yourself for the answers, take responsibility for your growth, and watch how the world responds to your confidence and determination.
Conclusion
Remember there are no rules. If any of these ideas resonated with you, go ahead and try them out.
Read into these philosophies and ask these questions for yourself to experience the mentalities that massively changed my life and have gotten me to go out again and again and allowed me to put my real self on the line, to be exposed and show courage, to remain interested and avoid becoming jaded or bitter to the process.
I’ve been able to be resilient because I can come back to these ideas for self reflection or a moment of peace in a chaotic process, coming out on the other side with a sense of purpose and a love for the game we call life.